the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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