What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
