Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize