My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
