I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
