It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
