Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
