So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
