Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
