just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
