At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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