6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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