My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
