I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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