Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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