He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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