dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
