It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize