in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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