wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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