Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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