Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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