everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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