Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
