you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
