when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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