i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
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