Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
