i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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