Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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