Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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