Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
