Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
