sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
