I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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