last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
