need another drink. this is the easiest way
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
