How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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