I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
