T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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