My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
