why im i the only drunk person in the library?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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