At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Dear god my vagina.
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