another moral hangover. fuck.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
