This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
