my vag is so smooth its legendary
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
