Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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