There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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