I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
