She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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