Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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