It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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