no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
