what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
