i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
