How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
