Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
