i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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