Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
