I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
