Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
