Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Me too!
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
