oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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