so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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